I am an absolute glutton for punishment. Have no idea why I do these things to myself. Yesterday I took on head-to-head the TRIPLE THREAT! I knocked off the Big 3 in one go – Ikea, Bunnings and Moore Park SupaCentre! Yes, I am the bravest man in the world.
I. WILL. NEVER. BE. THAT. BRAVE. AGAIN!
Lets start with the hideousness that is Ikea. Ikea is like the General Pants of home furnishings; it seems like a great idea when you’re walking into the store but regret it as soon as you have.
There are only 3 groups of people that shop at Ikea – young gays moving out of home for the first time, young couples moving in together for the first time, and parents and grandparents paying for the young gays and new couples. As I clearly do not fit into any of these categories I felt completely alien. Even though I had the requisite trolley and bag…
I felt so alien I couldn’t even get excited that there were meatballs on offer. I shoved on through sofas, bedding, the god-awful kitchen section, the FRIGHTENING kids section and through to the required Market Hall. The trauma is worth it to reach this supermarket of homewares. The beautiful thing is you actually have no idea what you need until you see it – photo frames, cutlery, place mats (indoor and out), coat hangers, some pink folding chairs for festive season entertaining, even some tea towels.
Once I finally found my car in the Ikea carpark it was off to Bunnings. Now normally I am a great lover of the Bunnings experience. Tools, planks, screws, drop sheet – everything they stock is a double-entendre. But yesterday I just couldn’t enjoy. Not even the nursery section which usually brings me such joy. I did get a small kick out of the watering cans, of which I bought one, and also the storage section, I got a shoe box. I tried flirting with a very cute Bunnings guy but obviously that was fruitless, even though we were in the hose section (I kid you not!). Ultimately there were too many ugly people so I had to get out of there.
Still not sure what I thought I was going to SupaCentre for. I think I think that Man Pit needs something for the hallway but hell knows why, or what I would do with it. Was feeling dangerous so I parked in the Car Wash but didn’t give them my key – such a rebel. Did the obligatory run through all the stores. My absolute favourite is Top 3 even though I can’t afford anything in it. Briefly got into the Xmas spirit and thought I should buy myself a tree. It was a $14 investment. And I am still trying to get the gaddamn glitter out of my Mo.
The rest of it bored me. But on the way out I noticed a supermarket for babies and small kids. Well I have nieces and nephews now so I should be all over this one like a rash, Xmas is fast approaching. But the problem is I am fucking hopeless with kids. I literally have no idea. A place like this is my worst nightmare. Obviously there is a shitload to choose from but what the hell are you meant to choose.
I have no idea what kids like, what is age-appropriate or what is a good Uncle gift. I also stress about being cool fun Uncle St, I only get to see them a couple of times a year so I don’t want them thinking I’m daggy. Such a stressful experience that I couldn’t decide on anything so … duh duh duh … walked out with nothing! Can’t wait till they are old enough for me to buy their Xmas presents from David Jones. Or old enough so that I can just get them a hooker and a bottle of Belvedere.
So that was my Saturday. Shopping has never been so excruciating. From now on I’m risking it, ordering online and having delivered. I’m never leaving Man Pit again. I am far too delicate for the the Triple Threat.